Are you constantly talking yourself out of sex with trans women who, up until you opened your mouth, were so ready for it? Do you find yourself chatting up trans women who are showing interest in you and maybe even making plans with you, but then you keep saying the wrong things and they instantly lose interest and vanish just like your sex life?

Well then this is the guide for you! Don’t be a tr**ny chaser. Let the tr**nies chase you! Here’s a quick list of things not to say to a trans woman if you want any kind of chance with her:

“So on your profile it says you’re trans. So you’re like a dude?”

Listen fellas, if you have to ask what a trans woman is, then that means I’m too much woman for you. Move along.

Also, Google exists and if you’re not smart enough to use it then you’re also not smart enough to know what you’re doing in bed so I’m automatically not interested, thanks.

“You look just like a real girl!“

Yeah, that’s probably because we are real girls. And you’d do well to remember that if you want a sip of this T.

I realize this is intended to be a compliment, but it really doesn’t come across that way because it implies that we’re not “real girls”. I am a real girl, and I expect to feel all manner of womanly in bed. And if you still for whatever reason insist on seeing me as a… man (ewww)… then I’m going to insist on seeing you as a nonviable lover I don’t have time for, thanks.

“You’re the Best of both worlds!“

I only call one world home, and that’s Venus. I don’t hold dual citizenship with Mars. I’m 100% a woman is what I’m trying to say here.

Yes, I’m a woman. And yes, I happen to have a penis. But cis women also have many of the same body parts as you (hands, legs, mouths, etc.) but you don’t go calling them best of both worlds. So why would you say that to us?

What’s in my pants is about as similar to what’s in your pants as any other woman’s legs are to your own. And good luck knowing what either is like if you can’t get it through your thick skull.

Calling me a “sissy”

You would never call a cis girl a sissy, right? So why would you call me that?

I realize in most trans porn, slurs like “sissy” get thrown around a lot. But I mean so do words like “slut”, “bitch”, and “step sister” in cis porn, but you wouldn’t actually call women that with the expectation that it’ll work in your favor, right? Use some common sense, please.

This isn’t some “sissification” kink. Sure, those kinks are valid. But so is watersports and I don’t see you just going around pissing on random girls. But you know what? When you go calling me a “sissy”, that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re pissing yourself with your own ignorance. And it’s not attractive. Stop it.

“Does this make me bi?” / “Guess I’m not as straight as I thought!“

Oh what every girl wants to hear: “You’re so masculine that sleeping with you would be kinda like sleeping with a guy!” Seriously y’all, how dense can you be?!

I don’t even have time to explain to you why this is ridiculous and will get you nowhere with me. Just no.

“Can you peg me?“

Listen, I don’t tuck my tail between my legs so I can wag it inside of random men. No no no, I’m the one who gets pegged. That’s kinda why I transitioned. (Sarcasm, obviously).

All jokes aside, expecting us to peg you on the first date is just a little presumptuous, isn’t it?

Listen, every trans girl has a different relationship to her genitals. Some of us prefer it to never come into play during sex (don’t touch it, don’t even look at it. It doesn’t exist). Others like it to be touched but have no desire (or in some cases, no ability to) use it for penetration. And then there are other girls who do like to use theirs penetratively. But which category we happen to fall under is maybe not the most tactful topic for your very first message to us.

“Okay But are You Passable Though?“

If I had a dime for every time I’ve asked a guy to meet up with me for coffee just to make sure he’s not an axe murderer before I go over to his place to do a thing, I could actually afford FFS, for fucks sake.

“Passing” is a really unfortunate concept that tries to apply stereotypical cishet gender norms on trans people, and it’s not cute, okay? We don’t owe you femininity.

Problematic verbiage aside, this is seriously such a red flag. Presumably, the fear is that if you’re seen in public with me, that people may think you’re gay if they clock me as a trans woman. But so what? Confidence is so sexy to me. I want a man who knows what he wants and goes for it, no matter what anyone else thinks. Know what’s not sexy? Acting like you’re ashamed to be seen in the light of day with me. Next!

So What Should You Say to the Trans Girl You’re Interested in Then?

I’m so glad you asked!

Literally just treat her like a normal woman. Because that’s what she is: just an ordinary woman. Compliment her nose ring or her undercut. Ask her about her favorite anime. Ask what her favorite punk album is. Enjoy her company and act like you like her. Open doors for her (I promise this will be so unusual for her – quite probably even a first – that she won’t even know what to do with herself… but she might just start getting ideas about what to do with you later). Pet her hair and call her a good girl and congratulations, you have a wife now.

Seriously, it’s not that hard. The bar is unbelievably low here. Just don’t be a dick, okay?