It puts the transphobia on it’s Twitter or else it gets the hose again.

You might have heard of JK Rowling’s new book “Troubled Blood” that’s earned her the hashtag #ripjkrowling. While she’s in fact not dead, her talent evidently is.

This book follows a crossdressing serial killer who lures victims while in female attire. Sure, we could talk about this being indicative of her transphobia, but that’s played out by now.

What really got me is that this is just the most unrealistic thing ever. Sure, there are serial killers who happen to crossdress, but they don’t crossdress to lure their victims. Why? Because they would attract too much attention to themselves that way.

So below is my version of how the story should have gone:

The collection of knives lie across his bed. All the blades were sharp, glistening in the light, not yet dulled by use, because thus far he hadn’t landed any successful kills. But this time was going to be different, he told himself. Because this time he had a secret weapon.

Next to the knives lie a yellow sundress. If he could simply disguise himself as a woman, then he’d have no problem luring women into a false sense of security so he could kill them!

He put on the dress and went to hide his favorite knife in his pocket but there was just one problem – there were no pockets! Foiled again!

No matter, he’d just have to hide it in his purse.

At the bar, he went to order drinks. “Here you are, sir,” the bartender said, sitting the cosmopolitan in front of him.

“Sir?” Thought the would-be murderer. “I must not be blending in as well as I thought.”

He’d have to postpone tonight’s killing and regroup when he’d come up with a better disguise.

The next day, he went to a nearby clinic he’d heard did HRT, that way he might more effectively blend in. The only problem was that they required a therapist letter first. Damn it, he didn’t have time for this! How dare they gatekeep his killing spree!

When at last he managed to find an informed consent clinic nearby, he thought he’d made it! Now all he had to do was wait 6 months to a year for the hormones to make noticeable changes.

Unfortunately, the hormones did nothing for his voice, so he had to start voice training. There were YouTube videos and how-to articles but they were all complicated and time consuming. He didn’t have time to learn vocal anatomy and music theory – he wanted to kill now!

But he did what he had to, and in time his voice improved. Although he could swear he got sir’ed so much more frequently and more aggressively now than before he started transitioning. He was drawing too much attention to himself. “I’m sure this will pass,” he told himself. Because he sure wasn’t.

At last, after a year of hormones, voice lessons, a fresh wardrobe that complimented his body type, and several stares and rude comments later, he’d made it. Now was his time to make his move.

Again, he went to the bar. “What can I get for you, ma’am?”

“Yes, at last!” He thought.

He again ordered a cosmopolitan. “Can I see some ID?”

He didn’t think anything of it and handed it over. The bartender inspected it carefully, looking from the ID to the man before him, a disgruntled look on his face.

“Yeah I’ll be right back with that,” said the bartender. The bartender returned along with a security guard, who escorted him to police who were waiting outside.

As it so happens, they had assumed he was a prostitute because he had a man’s ID but was dressed as a woman in a bar. An honest mistake.

He’d have to fill out several forms, pay an expensive filling fee, and appear before a judge just to change his name so that this didn’t happen next time. What a drag.

As he was sitting in police custody though, the officer’s uniform gave him an idea. Yes, how could he be so stupid!

Many of his favorite serial killers had posed as cops to lure victims in (Ted Bundy, the Hillside Strangler, etc) – some actually were cops (the Golden State Killer, David Stephen Middleton, Gerald Schaefer, Christopher Dorner, Mikhail Popkov, you get the idea)!

And no wonder, what a simple disguise! It would be so easy to pull off, and people actually respect police officers! Back to square one.